Wait...didn't I just do this?

So the last two weeks since I posted have been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  In my last post I was lamenting about being forcibly unemployed and the the pro's and con's of working in a tourism based environment.  Today, I will pose a query, a conundrum if you will.

What exactly do you do when the company you work for, that has laid you off, calls you back to work until the end of the year? 

Now before you answer, let me share this story with you.

As I said in my last post, October 30th was to be my last day at my current job.  As my lst day was drawing to a close, the Owner of the company ( who I really think doesn't have all the details of what is going on.  She has the big picture, but no details in my opinion) asks me to stay on another week, helping the marketing department.   No big there, I said yes and proceeded to go through the melancholy about losing my job...again....one week later.  So after my week was up, I packed my desk again and let myself out of the office.  This was Friday.  Saturday morning I filed for unemployment, called the retail job I'd managed to snag and said my availability was now wide open if they could see past giving me 7 hours a week and prepared for the descent of my mother, stepfather and grandmother. 

Fast forward to Monday.   Monday was my recital performance.  I was in a panic to begin with, nerves running high when I recieved a phone call from my former employer asking me to come back to work, right then. 

I had a problem.  In the three days since I had left the office my retail job had given me a 30 hour a week schedule and the state had accepted my unemployment. 

So I told the office "Um, I knew this would happen.  I told my supervisor that without a call back date I had to accept work from an available position.  I'm not available except at these times."

To which this was the reply:

"Um, let me call you back."

About two nervewracking hours later, I do indeed get a call back saying this:

"So you have a descision to make. You can either work for the retail job or you can come back until Dec 31 and work for us."

So of course I chose the office.  I've never had to call someplace and be like "Um, just kidding!  thanks but now I have to work at my other job."  

I felt ridiculous and stupid and completely unprofessional.  Which I hate.  Fortuneatly, the retail place was
cool about it and unemploymetn was like, um what?  That was quite the eventful phone call.

I'm not complaining about having a job, believe me.  I realize how lucky I am to have said job and that I can work it a couple more weeks.  It just boggles my mind.  I mean seriously, they couldn't figure out that they needed me BEFORE I left and saved me some emotional wreckage?

So I made the joke to a co-worker about the office going to hell in a hand basket as soon as I left.  She agreed with me.  Apparently it did.  Which is why I got my job back.

Turning, Turning

I began working at the age of 14.  I started to babysit pretty regularly for one family and missed every high school soccer and basketball game (we didnt have a football team) because of it.   I didn't care.  Then.  At age 16 I joined the wonderful world of retail (at christmas mind you) and believe it or not really enjoyed myself.  Its been 11 years since then and I have other work experience to offer included but not limited too: banking, nanny-ing, costume maker, librarian and more retail.   

I have never been fired, asked to resign or laid off.

Until now.

I was told that in two weeks I will no longer be employed by the company I am currently working for.  Granted yes, they gave me notice. But what really grinds my gears, as Peter would say, is the fact that those in my department that are not getting laid off all were hired a good 6 months if not more AFTER me.  I mean really?  Does company loyalty and senoirity not mean anything anymore?  I asked if this was in any way related to my job performance and my supervisor said "No, you're one of the best I have."

So I'm getting laid off why? 

To top that all off, I have no call back date which means that I am not guarenteed to have a job.   I'm upset, and a lot scared.  Until I know for sure what amount I'll be getting from unemployment I don't know if I'll be able to pay my bills.  I can't just go get another full time job because I live in a tourist town that is winding down for the season.  (The lay-offs are not uncommon in this area, in fact they are jokingly referred to as winter vacation.  However, usually the begin in January, not November.  And I'm not included on the list.) Not to mention that I know by next spring when tourism (hopefully) picks back up I'll be back (hopefully).

So after my massive meltdown and pity party I calmed down and decided to look at this as a much needed break.  I was lucky enough to get a part time job (once again in retail) for christmas that will help me to supplement my unemployment until my job calls me back. 

Pro's
No more having to be at the office at 7 am.
Greatly reduced driving on ice covered death traps also known as roads with huge hills.
Living in my comfy clothes all day
Less office politics/bull****
Being able to catch up on my soaps!
and most importantly:
WORK ON MY BOOK!!!

Con's
a lot less money
a lot less security
a lot more worry.

It's a toss up.  I'm a pisces so I'm in two minds about everything, anyway.  On the one hand, the lightened load will give me a much needed break.  On the other hand, I was raised to work, to take pride in what I do and not to free-load, because no matter what unemployment is not a career choice.

I don't know what to do. 

My cats have to eat after all.

Knowing and Doing are two different things

I've hit a roadblock on the book I'm writing.  My friend Holly tells me I''m self editing to the point of curling up in the fetal position wondering why I thought I could do this. (I may have paraphrased that a bit).  I know its hard to start.  I know its hard to continue, to try, to make decisions, to live.  But I have to do something.

To quote Adele, "There's a fire burning in my heart..." I have drive and passion and ambition.  I have talent, and a story and a vision.  I have the fire. I just dont know what to do with it. 

This past week I've had a massive migraine that left me with a lot of time to think.  It wasn't pretty. 

I need to try, to get up, to do something.

I'm just so lost right now that I don't know how to start.

What I want to be when I grow up....

So I want to be an actress.  Acting's about the only thing I'm good at.  My list of talents also include being able to read a novel in about a day, the ability to recall a lot of useless trivia, and remembering names/faces.  Anyway...

Being an actress doesn't really pay a lot.  With all the talk about the National Debt and Social Security and all that I re-visited my finances.  HA!  What Finaces?  I'm broke.  I have no 401k or anything like that.  I realize that I (hopefully) have time.  I'm in my late 20's so right now my 60's are a good 30+ years away.
but I digress...

I want to open a bookstore.  I'd like to have a combination new/used book store with rading area's and the like.  I'm not good at anything besides reading and acting and sometimes selling stuff.  But this takes a lot of money and I do not have the know how to get something like this started and keep it profitable.  I think its shomething I should consider.

Lords and Lairds and Kings, Oh My!

When I was 13 years old I think, well 13 or 14, My mother gave me a book.  Now there wasn’t a special occasion or anything like that it was more like, read this and get out of my hair.  This book was called “The Bride and the Bodyguard” and it was a Harlequin.  It was my first romance novel. You might think it odd ( or you might not) that my mother was giving me a romance novel to read at that age.  Let explain a little further.  I’ve been an avid reader since I can remember. When I was 7 my mother decided to take on a second part time job for the Christmas season, working Thursday and Friday nights at a local fabric store.  I was used to having my mom at home in the evenings and the idea freaked me out.  So in order to placate me she bought a box set of Babysitter Club Books and left one under my pillow a la the Tooth Fairy.  I came home that Thursday and found Kristy’s great idea  under my pillow with a note.  I found that some how this “book fairy” always knew when I had finished a book and that next thrusday I would have a new BSC book. I began to anticipate Thursday nights, (Friday’s were reserved for X-files with my step-dad) and eventually when I was finishing the books by Saturday, my mom just ended up giving me a new book whenever I told her I was finished.  By the fourth grade I was reading adult novels like Mary Higgins Clark and Tami Hoag.  I graduated into James Patterson and John Grisom  and the like by age 12. Polishing off Gone with the Wind by age 13. I’ve come a long way since then, read a lot of novels and met a lot of characters.  So back to “The Bride and the Bodyguard.” The hero of that story’s name was Jeff.  He was a smart-ass lawyer/former PI who couldn’t go to the bathroom without planning it in advance.  I remember almost every detail of that book and I still have it in my library.  But he wasn’t my first RN boyfriend. I came across an article asking about the first Romance Novel boyfriend readers had and it made me think.  Sure, I liked Jeff, but like the guy who asks you to the 6th grade dance, he wasn’t THE ONE. THE ONE was Captain Brandon Birmingham of Kathleen Woodiwiss’ The Flame and the Flower followed very closely by Laird Alec Kincaid of Julie Garwood’s The Bride. They were the first of all the romance novel men I would fall in love with.  Now granted, fictional characters etc etc. But still.  What romantic girl doesn’t love a fairy tale?  If I can’t love the hero, I find the story lacking.  Now, in the years since Brandon and Alec I have met hundreds of Lords, Lairds, Earls, Dukes, Princes, Kings, Captains, Vikings, Soldiers, explorers, professors, and even a few Actors (Thank you Lisa Kleypas for Logan Scott, Thank you!).  Some you love more than others, but you never really forget your first one.  And I tend to get a little protective of them also... In another article I read (written by a psychologist trying to prove that romance novels unbalance the female population), used an excerpt from the Flame and the Flower.  Now, it was not a pretty excerpt and read out of context its a little strong.  Had I read that excerpt with no explanation, no context and no understanding of what was happening in the story...I probably would have been concerned, not to mention turned off by the idea.  Without the context it pretty much sounds like rape.  Now, I am NOT purporting rape as a good thing in anyway shape or form, in fact I think rapists should all be neutered, chemically or physically; However in context of this story, with all the factors and after reading the entire novel, this scene does not come off to me as rape.  It comes off to me as a very naive girl in over her head in something she doesn't understand with a guy who doesn't have all the facts.  Moving on.  I was appalled that my Brandon was being misconstrued by someone who clearly did not read the novel.  Granted everyone is allowed an opinion, but really?  I couldn't get over that someone was actually presenting this as evidence in a supposed scientific study.   Maybe I'm just to unbalanced to see it. To me Brandon is a hero and always will be.  I try to keep these men in mind as I write my hero for the novel I'm working on.  After all, a good leading man just gets better as you age.  Who was your first romance novel boyfriend?  Why did you fall in love with him? Are you still in love with him?

GWTW debate, part 1

I read an article on Heroes and hearts Twitter.  It was an article that in my opinion lambasted Gone With the Wind and said that Scarlett was a dipshit and the original "Mean Girl."

Well that got my panties in a twist. 

The author ignored the facts that it was Scarlett who pulled her family through and provided for them in a time where females fainted if they saw a man without a tie and jacket.  I respect the author's opinion because hey, at least she has one.  the comments that followed all basicall threw Scarlett under the bus and continued to ignore the good side of Scarlett.  Here was my response:


I read GWTW when I was in middle school and its been my favorite book since. Scarlett is by no means perfect and for that matter neither is Rhett. Perhaps the real conflict with the whole greatest romantic story of all time is the fact that is is more realistic in its outcomes than anything else. Sometimes you don't always win. Scarlett was willing to break every rule she had been taught in order to survive. If that made her a bitch then so be it. Melanie, was the same way only here's the kicker: she had everything she wanted. She had a supporting family, the love of her husband and friends and society. Scarlett never had that. She was hated by nearly everyone she ever met and lusted after because she was different from the eyelash batting fools that were considered proper. Who got them food at Tara? Scarlett. Who sacrificed her freedom/happiness to make sure her family had a home to live in? Scarlett. Without Scarlett being the "Mean girl" and forcing her genteel spoiled friends and family to actually work they would have starved. Sure they could have left Tara for Atlanta, but what would they have done for food and money? Could they have even survived the aftermath? Scarlett is a realist. No one likes the girl that calls it like it is and does what she has to do to survive. Except Rhett Butler.

And who doesn't want a filthy rich, passionate smart ass to be in love with you?

It is my opinion that the only real reason that Scarlett had for pursuing Ashley Wilkes was the fact that no one would have ever questioned her again. He was the respresentation of everything she wanted her life to be. Everything she had been trained to want and to be her whole life. Had war not happened, Scarlett would have been a society matron, which is everything she was "supposed" to be. She would have raised her kids and had a properly dull life. But war did happen and war changes people. A great quote from the book is "Pride tastes real good for breakfast." Scarlett had pride enough to take care of her own. She could have left Melanie to die in Atlanta. She could have let the tax collectors take Tara. She chose not too. She chose to fight for what was hers. Sure she could have handled things a little better later in life but hindsight is 20/20. She knows she's done wrong, she knows she screwed up. But she didn't just lie there and take it. The woman is a fighter, kinda like Rocky but in a hoop-skirt. She didnt just lie there on the staircase and cry herself to death. No. In a most optimistic, determined way, she sat up dusted herself off and went to face the day with a new spirit to win back all that she had lost. Even when by that point, she literally had almost nothing left. She never questioned herself or her ability to do so.

That is why I love GWTW and Scarlett O'Hara.

Review - The Francesca Cahill series by Brenda Joyce

Let me start off by saying that I absolutely love romance novels.  I devour them.  When I was in college, my cousin and a friend of ours formed a club of sorts call the SRT or the Smutty Romance Triplets.  Well we're more of a duo now because my cousin has married and dropped out stating "I don't need to read about sex since I'm getting it on a regular basis" 

Well good for her.

The rest of us who actually read Romance novels for the story and the fairy tale aspect and everything except the sex still love them anyway.  The sex is like finding a really good present in your stocking...

Anyway...back to college

SO a friend of mine knew that I read voraciously and gave me Deadly Pleasures, the second Francesca Cahill novel way back in the summer of '05.  I read it, enjoyed it, couldn't get ahold of the other books and promptly forgot about the series.  Fast forward 6 years later and I have just re-discovered the series, found all the books, read all the books and all I have to say is...

Wow.

From Deadly Love to Deadly Vows, this series had me from beginning to latest release and begging for the next one 'cause I hope Vows is not the end.

The series focus' on Francesca Cahill, a wealthly albeit reluctant socialite in 1902 New York, who discovers a talent for sleuthing.  She's a passionate reformist and finds her match in Rick Bragg, the newly appointed Police Commissioner.  Or so she thinks.

Enter Calder Hart, the half brother and opposite to Rick Bragg.  He's wealthy, witty, scadelous and a complete ass.  He's drawn to Francesca, just as his brother is.  Francesca possesses spirit, a compassionate nature and offers a take on the world that completely differs from anyone else's and neither brother can resist her almost innocent sensuality.

Add in a host of siblings, less than reputable characters and one very indecent portrait and The Francesca Cahill series is, in my opinion, a must read.

Who does she choose? (9 books later and we finaly find out....or do we?)

I cried, yelled, gasped and laughed out loud.  I was shocked and tormented, amused and angered.

I'd recommend it to anyone!

The Wonderful World of Romance

So I've decided to start writing a romance novel.  Mind you last week I wanted to be a cover model for Romance Novels, but that's beside the point.  I love them.  They're like fairy tales only with...uh...spicier bits.  Unfortuneatley I have no idea what I'm doing.  The story I can handle.  I got that idea.  I got the charactors, the plot all that jazz.  Its the specifics that are bothering me.  I don't know how much is too much or not enough. So I did what I know how to do.

I wrote it as Fanfiction.

Now, before you laugh (if any one is reading) Fanfiction is a perfectly respectable art form.  Its like YouTube in written form.

So here's too FanFiction and to one hopeful girl, praying that this works out for her. :-)

Smile....

There's a Charlie Chaplin song that goes:

 "Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking.
When there are clouds in the sky
you'll get by.

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through
For you.

Light up your face with gladness,
Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying.
You'll find that life is still worthwhile-
If you just smile.

When I was a little girl my mom would sit me down the night before school started and ask me the same question:  What do youwant to be when you grow up?  She would then take whatever answer I gave her and enter it in one of those school memory books, along with a picture from that year and other related items.  Every year since I started school at the age of 5, I told my mother I wanted to be a Great Actress.  Not just an Actress, but a Great Actress.  Now some years I added things like veternarian, obstetrician, etc, but I never wavered on being a Great Actress.

I went to college, majoring in Theatre.  I went to graduate school majoring in acting (I dropped out my second year)  and then moved to Branson to pursue my dream.  It took me three years to get into a show and I thought I had finally started down the road onto making my dreams come true. 

Oh, how wrong I was.

The show I've been in was run by a selfish, corrupt, arrogant bastard who had no respect for his employees and milked everything he could from the people around him for the sole purpose of making himself better.  All that I can deal with.  I mean hello I am an actor.  And this is the streamlined version. 

What I can't deal with is when that self same bastard tells me that I am the problem.  ME.  The person who has lost a job complying to his demands and got into trouble at her other job because of it.  ME.  Not the 18 year old he's most likely screwing (or at least giving a damn good impression of it if he's not) who is too busy broadcasting on Facebook about how much she's drinking in bars/restraunts and then representing the show when she's drunk. Certainly not the same 18 year old whose body odor is so bad that she has made other cast members physcally ill due to the smell or the costumes she has ruined due to her cheap makeup and hair-dye.  It's all my fault.   He told me that the cast, including some of my good friends, had come to him saying that I was the source of all the problems we were having back stage (I didn't even know we were having problems-go figure)

So I told him that I resigned.

That night I cried, because my heart was breaking.  I felt like a failure because I was giving up my dream to stand on my integrity as a professional. I still feel like a failure.  I've cried off and on for the last two weeks and then last night, which was my final performance, I was bawling when I was off stage.   Everyone was really supportive and I was upset with myself for not being able to control my emotions.  I still care about the cast, and the show even if the director is an asshole.

Then one of the cast comes up to me and trys to rip up one side and down the other because I had blocked him from my facebook wall.  His job, apparently, is to troll the facebook pages of the cast members to see if anyone is talking bad about the show/director/cast.  He printed out a conversation that he believes to be about the show and told me that he knew that I and my "group of friends think [we're] so smart. But did [I] really think that blocking [him] from [my] wall would keep [him] from finding things like this out?"  Really?  There are no names, no references to the company in anyway shape or form.  In short there is no way to prove it one way or the other.  Apprently inside jokes between friends are now illeagel and aren't to be posted on Facebook.  

Seriously?

Grow the hell up.  I believe the first amendment allows me the freedom of speech.  If his interpreation is erroneous that is not my fault.  It's not like he'd believe me if I tried to correct it anyway.  The director is so paranoid that someone is going to take away his sinking farther into debt company that he sees theives around every corner.  Puh-lease. He also accused me of working against him.  C'mon man, I'm not stupid enough to bite the hand that feeds me.  But he believes what he believes and that's that.  Whatever.

My point is this.  I followed my dream and thenI had to give it up.  I still want to perform, I just feel alive on stage.  It's my home.  

And I gave it up.

They say that when a door closes another opens.  Well I'm waiting for that other door.  Hell, at this point I'd take a window.      

So excuse me Charlie, I'll smile as my heart is breaking but I'll let the tears come down my cheeks as I do. 

Dad-gum Government

There's a musical called Big River.  In this musical a character sings a song called "Gove'ment" that goes a little something like this:

"...You dad'gum gove'ment you sorry so and so's
You got your damn hands in every pocket of my clothes,...
Oh doncha know, doncha love them sometimes..."

Well I sure as hell don't love the government right now.  I'm 27, single with no kids.  I work multiple jobs to pay my multiple bills that include my GINORMOUS student loans and simple things like electricity, rent, and the ever necassary and price increasing gasoline.  I make less than 30k a year.

So being the responsible adult that I am, I file my taxes.

It's not enough that the government (and the dumbasses running it who have gotten us however many trillion dollars in debt) takes over $100 a pay chack from me for federal income tax but now they want to TAX me for paying my bills.  And the freaking state still claims that I owe THEM money even after I had EXTRA taken out of my paychecks to cover it!   WTF?!?!?!

Here's the story:

I settled a debt I owed by making arraingements with the people I owed the money too.  A portion of the debt was "relieved" or "lowered" if I paid it by a certain date.  I thought "hey! Win win! They get their money, I don't have to pay as much and its all over."  How wrong I was. 

I have been taxed by Good Old Uncle Sam, for the remainder of the debt I didn't pay because it has now been "turned into income"  WTF?!?!?!!?!?

I don't know what I;m doing wrong here.  I only get paid so much money.  I cut out extra's where I can.  I have bills to pay.  I have a roommate.  I request reductions in my student loan payments only to get bitched at by the very people telling me to get the damn payment reduction.

What I don't have are 5 kids and welfare.  When I worked in a bank it would sicken me to have to cash refunds checks with amounts in the thousands for people like that.  People who played the system for all its worth were able to go and buy a new car and go on a shopping spree and have their kids throw temper tantrums about not getting their Hannah Montana wigs while I had to smile, ask them how they wanted their welfare thousands back and then go to lunch and eat my generic brand spagettio's. 

WHERE IS THE FAIRNESS IN THAT?! 

I am barely making ends meet.  My student loans are passed due because I can't afford the payments.  I try to remedy that and I get penalized.  I am at the end of my rope and just feel like crying 90% of the time.  Maybe I should just have a one night stand and get knocked up and push out a couple of kids so that uncle sam can bend over backwards to give me money.  Mama needs a new pair of no boundries.

I mean really?  No system is perfect but really? I just don't understand our tax system or why those who make so much barely have to pay while those who are barely scraping by have to keep paying in. 

America may be the "land of the free and home of the brave" but I'm dying a slow death of stress and starvation while Snooki gets paid 50 grand to show up somewhere.  If I had 50 grand I could pay off part of my student loans.  I don't see 50 grand working 40 hours a week for a year, let alone showing up somewhere.  50 grand is almost twice my annual salary. Its ridiculous. 

What's a girl to do?!

Anger Manifesto

I am an angry person.  I'm also a very confused one.  I don't understand why people are two faced SOB's and why people who have done nothing wrong have to bear the brunt of the blame.  I'm tired of having something I consider fun and to some extent sacred, treated like garbage.  All the while being told that I need to work harder while some one else is allowed to do nothing yet recieve everything.  I'm angry about that.

And by God its my right.

Step One...

Okay, so I've decided to try this blogging thing again.  I had a Xanga, a live journal, all that business but I got bored quickly with all of them.  Perhaps its because I was folding to the huge social pressure of my college peers to share the minutae of my life on a broader platform.  Thank God they've updated facebook enough to do that for me. 

I like to write.  Ramble really.  I write fanfiction, I write smart-aleck reviews of things.  I post my opinions. 

Just so you know what you're getting into if you read this. 

A little about me:

I'm a redhead.  I have long hair.  I used to be a ballet dancer until I hurt my ankle and could no longer support myself on pointe.  I'm an actress.  I sing, karaoke and professionally.  I love television. I love broadway musicals. I love movies.  I am opinionated and tempermental.  I'm lazy and live in a state of organized chaos. 

Happy Readings